Father Figure
by OpposingForce
Summary: A silly OneShot. Naruto, the patient, visits Hinata, his psychotherapist, when his repressed nightmares are becoming hard to withstand. But what are these fears? And how does Hinata, despite being his doctor, feel hearing them? Very minor romance.


_**Father Figure**_

_A quick One-Shot_

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any fashion. So, in that case, please don't sue.

**_AN: Yes, another stupid humour fic from OpForce. And yes, where is SiC Chapter 22? Oh, and what happened to Hime Murasaki Chapter 3? Well, let me give you the gist of it. After watching a comedy group called "Kids in the Hall" for several months, I landed on one of their best sketches 'Daddy Drank'. It displays a son who takes a lot of verbal abuse and insults from his alcoholic father. Obviously, the sketch was made to be ultimately hilarious, and somehow I found a dangerously funny connection between this and Naruto. And so, after being completely inspired by the sketch, I fused it with the Naruto world._**

**_In this spirit, please don't sue me. If you find it funny, that is great._**

I don't go to doctors often, especially not one who specialized in psychotherapy. As though that is already not enough, the therapist is my lovely friend, the beautiful Hyuuga Hinata. Hinata is not really much of an issue, but it is somewhat weird for me to be speaking so freely to a dear friend. After I lied down on the couch, our session officially started.

Okay, let's move on.

You all know who I am. I am Uzumaki Naruto, the number one ninja in Konoha that is recognized by not his skill, but by my determination to be acknowledged and persistence to become the Hokage of Konoha one day. I am more than certain that I don't need to elaborate about my history which includes my demonic heritage, graduating as a genin under extreme circumstances, received an A level mission although it first said C rank and almost got our asses kicked, you know the rest. Everything that I have done so far is to achieve that goal, that dream, that impossible fantasy that I intend to make it a reality. It's pretty cool, isn't it? But despite that, Uzumaki Naruto still wishes for something.

I am a persistent man, but a simple one too. I don't ask for ridiculous things like asking Haruno Sakura to be my girlfriend; dare Neji to act like Lee for just ten minutes; kiss Hinata right in front of Sakura so she would be jealous that I actually found someone; you know shit like that. All I ask for is a family, a father or mother figure who I could admire and look up to so this life of mine would not seem so hopeless. In all honesty, I didn't think it was such a terrible thing to ask for. After all, I grew up not ever having a parent of any sort to take care of me. Sure, asking for someone to take over the responsibility as my parent, banishing my demon factor aside, is still huge. Sometimes it is actually understandable why no one has taken the initiative to do so. As sad as it is, I must endure and stand strong.

But salvation comes in the end. And that person is no other than the mighty sannin Jiraiya. Definitely, Jiraiya never looks like the man for the job for… well, anything. If it weren't for the fact that he had crucial jutsu and skills to bless unto me during my chunnin exam, he would not even be a candidate. At any rate, Jiraiya says that he is a dedicated man who can handle such a responsibility. Besides, he took care of his group of genins during his younger days and nurtured them like his own children. One kid does not pose to be a problem in comparison to three. At that point, I truly believe that having Jiraiya as my father, the person I would look up to in many, many circumstances to come, is going to be exciting. Although I never like to admit it, I know that I needed guidance.

Jiraiya, however, is bearable and reliable when he is sober. When he is drunk, then he is a fucktard. And there are not enough times that he is sober. Most of our encounters usually happen at night when I go to bed, because that is when he comes back after his sex and drinking.

This is our conversation during one night on the second week we travelled. In fact, all of our conversations take place in my bedroom while I am about to sleep.

_**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**_

"Naruto," he said, tucking me in my bed. "Have a good night's rest… And remember, I can murder you while you are sleeping. Look here, all you have to do is be real quiet and have the will to do it. And believe me, Naruto, I am _willing_ to do it. And remember-" He pointed to his shoes with a grin. "I got quiet shoes. Well, goodnight Naruto, sleep well!"

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

Jiraiya drank –obviously. At first I thought he was kidding about his murder… Oh, my God… how wrong was I…

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"Naruto," Jiraiya called out through the wide enough gap of the door, with a cup of wine in his hand as he took sips, "Did you find a job yet? Oh, you did, what job is it? … A delivery boy? And what do you want to be when you grow up again? Hokage? Wow, not even Hokages had delivery boy as a job when they were young. You are better off being a bum. Yeah, a bum suits you really well. Fuck being the Hokage. Yep, you are going to be a great beggar. Well, goodnight, Naruto!"

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

And you would think the words end there…

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"Hey, Naruto, hey," Jiraiya grinned as he opened my door, this time with a bottle of ale in his left hand, "You found any good looking girls lately? You have, that's great. How many of them called you today? Ah, zero? Oh, and how many girls called you yesterday? Let me guess, zero? Well, you know what they say; zero plus zero equals FAG!" He laughed really hard at his own joke. "And zero times any other number always equals FAG! Ha, think about it you little smart math genius."

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

I had no idea why he hated me, so I tried to impress him on Christmas while spending on my pocket money that I have earned. I prayed that my efforts do bare fruit.

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"Naruto, wake up, wake up. It's midnight Christmas Eve." Jiraiya entered my room with the large present I bought for him with the most happy expression I had ever seen him in. He sat on my bedside, opening the gift but he still had alcohol on him before he placed it next to my table lamp. "Oh, Naruto, thank you so much for this. I really don't deserve anything that you give me, Naruto, you have always been a son to me… I really don't deserve this…" He then took a look at what it was. "What the hell is this! A tuxedo! I don't wear suits! I wanted condoms, you little bastard!"

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

Jiraiya didn't wear suits… but Jiraiya could drink… and loved it…

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"Naruto, you still awake?" This time, he had a bottle and a glass cup half full of liquor, "Oh good that you are. Listen, remember how you were bugging me about buying you a little puppy so you can play with it when you are unhappy? Yeah, today when I was walking in town I actually bought you one. But on my way home, when I walked by the meat shop place I got hungry and I ate it! Hahahahaha…" He still had this wide grin on his face, expecting me to show some reaction. "I am joking. I'd never buy you a puppy." He went off while gulping down his drink with the most satisfied look.

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

Why didn't Jiraiya quit drinking? Why, he couldn't. He needed it to keep up with his sannin title. If he wasn't drinking, then he would be talking about sex.

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"I just remembered something funny, Naruto." Jiraiya said, this time with nothing in his hands, but I knew he just finished having sex with a busty whore at the bars. "Remember what Sai called you as a nickname? Oh, what was it again… right, it was 'Dickless Wonder'! Or was it 'Small Penis'? Just to tell you, when you had that body examination a week ago, the doctor told me that he really wondered if he was examining a boy because he had a lot of trouble finding your dick! Hahaha! You should really become bisexual; that should increase your chances. And besides, who would screw you?

"Well, goodnight, Naruto. Sweet dreams."

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

And the worst…

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

Clink...

Clink...

Clink...

Clink...

They were footsteps… so I turned on my lamp, and there was Jiraiya with a shocked expression written all over his visage, stretching out his arms fiercely while trying to strangle me but failed when I noticed him.

He quickly retracted and smacked his hands on his face, feigning his surprise with the most unbelievable method. "Oh! Did I wake you, Naruto? Oh, geez, I am sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up there… ano… um… I was, uh, looking for my aspirins! I don't where they disappeared to… and… well, at least I still got my liquor." Which he took from the top of my drawer, "Well… goodnight, Naruto… I am going to go out for some… lock switching, so stay out for as long as you can tomorrow… and don't come back soon…"

**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_**

"So… that about wraps it up…" I said to someone behind me, who was my psychiatrist, Hyuuga Hinata. She also finished writing down her notes and watched me warmly.

"Are you feeling better now, Naruto-kun?" asked Hinata, her voice gentle and quite professional.

"I guess…" I replied, somewhat drained after realizing that releasing rage was not a process as easy as I first predicted to be. "I feel like something had left my chest for good…"

"That's good to hear. Is there anything else you would want to tell me?"

"I am sure there is more… but I think our session is over. Oh, do you have any possible solutions?"

"I'll do whatever I can."

I stood up from my spot and cracked my joints to loosen up. "Thank you, Hinata. I guess I will see you next week?"

"Maybe we can see each other sooner," she giggled, breaking out of her doctor role as she took off her glasses.

"Let's keep it within a week until things get a little better."

"May I ask you something?"

"As a friend or as my doctor?"

"Friend."

"Did Sai-san really call you Dickless Wonder?"

"Yeah, he did… that jackass…"

"Well, I don't think you have a small one, Naruto-kun. It's more than enough."

I stopped looking at her and headed for the door. "I better get going… See you again, Hinata… Bye."

This was going to be the last time I let my girlfriend be my clinic expert. I knew this was a mistake. I could hear Hinata laugh behind her door, and I knew she in a several hours she would be at my place to give me the proper cure that this session failed to initiate. Call it insane, but the doctor's recommendations were always a lot better than solutions I come up with, and besides the treatments weren't really all that bad… In fact, it got better each time.

**_AN: One Shot over, and it's time for me to focus on Hime Murasaki and Simplicity is Complexity. Once again, this fic had been really fun to write. I think some stress relief such as these one-shots really help my head clear up and renew itself. Minna-san, this indoctrinated soul has stories to write. And do you happen to play UFS? Give me a review if you do._**


End file.
